My usual routine of a weekday morning is to drink two big cups of plunger coffee while reading through various news websites to keep abreast of the latest environmental calamity , and who’s killing who.

This week as a little light relief, I clicked on a lifestyle article with the title “how what you’re wearing is aging you”. I was rather taken aback by what I read, but forgot to bookmark it so that later, once I had some time on my hands to blog post a response, I couldn’t find it. But never fear, there is in fact no shortage of this sort of article out there.  Of course, there’s nothing that ages you quite like living for a long time and not dying, but surprisingly none of the articles seem to want to delve into this muddy area. Most of the ‘what not to wear’ advice seems broadly similar across a wide range of manipulative, busybody internet sources, so I’ve picked this one as being fairly representative.

Top 30 Fashion Trends That Might be Making You Look Older

1) Big Hair Do’s Are a Big No

This one was first up. Hard to argue that big 80s hairstyles are old fashioned but of course there’s more to it:

However, the line between a hot hairstyle and a hot mess is relatively thin when it comes to (too) much volume. “Teased-up hair can make anyone look older. Volume is different and can look modern and elegant.”

So, big but not too big. We older folk are treading a thin line here. Especially as number 2 on the list is

Long Hair Might Weigh You Down

we’re allowed to the shoulders, but ‘cat lady long’ – past the ribs – is a big no no, for reasons that will become apparent later (hint: no they won’t – it’s all about controlling us it seems).

3) Matching Your Lipstick to Your Outfit

This filled me with horror.

What sort of monster doesn’t coordinate their makeup with their outfit? Might as well say your jewellery shouldn’t match either. Oh, wait, there we have it, down at point number 13:

Overly Matched Jewelry or Accessories

Yikes. Do you get the feeling that this article is rigged against us? And once again, we’re on a knife edge between looking completely disorganised and scatty, or being too matchy-matchy. The difference? You can get away with anything if you’re young enough. Pooh pooh to this.

4) Put the Self-Tanner Down

Hard to argue with this one.

5) Be Cautious With Floor-Length Skirts

I’m pasting this one in it’s entirety as it’s so egregious. Look at that judgemental language (my italics):

Our long list of fashion trends that might make you look older would not be complete without the long, floor-length skirts. Today, many women are wearing the trend properly, whereas some of them opt for longer hemlines but have a completely wrong outfit idea. So, if you go for these skirts, proceed with caution. Floor-length skirts hide our legs or most of the insecurities of older women. (What do they even mean by this?) However, they cover just about one’s entire figure. So, if you decide on such a design, it is best to pair it off with a structured, tight top. After all, relaxed-fitting tops can quickly transfer your fashionable long hemline to a frumpy look.

I may be particularly peeved about this one as I’ve been buying outfits in preparation for a couple of weddings I’ve been invited to this summer (weddings are like buses in this way it seems. I haven’t been to a wedding in years.) I didn’t have any maxi dresses until this recent spend up. Oh well – at least they are floral so that breaks up the silhouette a bit. But then – you guessed it – look at number 6:

6) Outdated Floral Patterns

It seems I cannot win.

7) Unique High Water Pants or Capris

Ok, well now this is just getting personal. I only discovered capri pants this year and I love them! Apart from when people mistake them for bandages…

8) Mom Jeans

And that’s it for me with this dumb article. We’re told that only young people can wear Mom jeans, because then it’s cool and ironic instead of just sad. If there’s anything more ironic than not being allowed to wear Mom jeans when you’re a Mom yourself, I’d like to know what it is (yes, I know Alanis Morissette is around my vintage).