Review #10 – Great white sharks
Stars of both shark week and countless David Attenborough documentaries, Great White sharks have become the face of Cartilaginous fish all around the globe. They also tend to get a lot of bad press, often featured as antagonists in any film set in or around the ocean. Although their villainous reputation is largely unfounded, the films do get one thing right – stay away. Humans aren’t on the menu, partly because they have no idea what we are. That’s pretty one-sided though, as any swimmer can confirm. At even the mere mention of an ominous shape in the water, our minds immediately begin a mental highlight reel of every scene in Jaws – while on the other hand sharks often mistake us for turtles.
Great Whites are partly so notorious because of their impressive range – they travel all around the world to every ocean, with a few notable locations being designated as “hotspots”. South Africa, Japan, California, and Australian waters are all frequented by this predator – as is Aoeteroa. Although we all spend our summers pretending otherwise, whenever you enter the water off New Zealand’s coasts you’re entering the territory of these notorious ambush hunters. We’ve all seen the clips of doomed sea lions enjoying a final swim in the sun – before promptly being hit at 40km/hour by a 600kg mass of death.
While sharks have been feeding and evolving in our seas for over 420 million years, they have yet to evolve any form of meaningful communication with us – so we humans have had to pick up the slack in figuring out the whole “coexistence” thing. So far we’ve worked out that provoking them is a bad idea, and this “don’t poke the bear” mentality is your best bet in avoiding any unwanted encounters. However recently, likely after seeing one too many horror films (thanks Jaws), this hasn’t been cutting it. Many have taken it upon themselves to look into various methods of avoiding/escaping these glorified overgrown fish – almost every time I bring them up in conversation (a regular occurrence) someone chimes in with “I heard you poke them in the eyes” or “you gotta punch them in the nose”. While I’d love to see scientists go head to head with Great Whites, chances are no-one (with scientific backing and/or sanity) will be testing this technique anytime soon. Although we won’t be getting any exact data, I’ve got it on good authority that this trick would have some effect – based on the fact that most animals prefer not having fingers jammed in their eyes. If you doubt this, perform some experiments of your own on family and friends – you’ll likely find that sharks aren’t the only ones who get punched in the schnoz. When it comes down to it, the best advice is simply “remain calm”, which is easier said than done in the face of very large teeth in a very large mouth – but it’s still your best option. In the event you’ve opted for the “violence is the answer” method, you’ll have another question on your mind: What to do with the eye-less, broken-nosed and bulky corpse? Since the species is protected under NZ Law, disposing of the body is your only option – unless it was accidental. Then you call up the Department of Conservation – and if you’re lucky they may ask you to bring the shark to shore for research. Generally though, as long as you avoid feeding time, the chances are you’re never going to end up in a life-or-death struggle whenever you enjoy a nice day at the beach. Chances are you’ll never even see a Great White shark in the wild fullstop. In all truth the scariest thing you’ll likely encounter at the beach is UV rays, so really the best thing you can do to protect yourself at the beach is apply sunscreen.
Bruce the mechanical shark, who despite being a prop, is likely the most recognisable Great White Shark in pop-culture. Not bad for a literal hunk of metal.
10/10 – In honor of Bruce, Steven Speilberg’s greatest villain