Congratulations on your membership to City Fitness gym! I’m sure this will change your life, and at the super low price of less than a dollar a day ($6.99 per week so that’s 0.999c per day which any mathematician will tell you is less than a dollar). Of course, you’re committed to joining us for at least a year to get this low rate, but I’m sure you’ll want to stay longer, once you’ve got into the habit of taking advantage of our facilities every day! By the way, that sauna you love is closing in a few weeks (surprise!) so you’d better visit us lots while you can if that’s why you joined.
18 months later…I’m very sorry to hear that you have discovered the secret portal to our giving up your membership application form. We tried to make it even harder to find but those pesky lawyers are so cautious! We’ve seen your increasingly angry emails on our “contact us” page, it has provided some much needed levity at morning tea times. Your continued optimism at expecting a reply has had us in fits of laughter. Just because you haven’t lived in the same city as the gym you joined for the last six months can hardly be of any interest to us. Just fill out the attached 20 page dossier, get it witnessed by any lawyer of your choice, and fax it to us at any time between 03:00 and 03:01 on the third Sunday of the month, and we will put it to our committee at their next meeting, which occur regularly every few months or so. Your automatic payments can be stopped four weeks after you receive confirmation of the closure of your account, also by fax. If you provide a letter from a doctor saying that, for example, you have become a quadruple amputee after a terrible accident, the waiting time may be reduced at our discretion to 3 weeks and six days. We look forward to hearing from you, and apologies in advance if you have any trouble with the fax number provided. We have found rerouting via the Cayman Islands the most efficient way of ensuring receipt of appropriate documentation in a time that suits us.
Kind regards,
Nameless faceless corporate lackey number 7