(To the tune of “why don’t you all just fuck off”, best hummed under the breath at traffic lights)
I hate them in their lycra, middle aged men who should know better and bunch up in my way, don’t they know how stupid they look?
I hate them in their street clothes and dresses, aren’t they all sweaty and disgusting, I’m glad I don’t have to share an office with one!
I hate them in their fluoro vests, burning my retinas like the light of a thousand suns,
I hate them at night, hidden in the dark, suddenly appearing in front of me, do they think I have X-ray vision??
I hate them as they crawl to the front of the queue at the traffic lights, as if I wasn’t here first,
I hate them as they weave through the traffic, aren’t we bigger stronger faster, can’t they be more careful?
I hate the cycle lanes, aren’t Wellington roads narrow enough as it is, where am I meant to park??
I hate them on the footpath, the little children whose parents don’t care enough to drive them to school in their cars,
I hate them when they are so demanding, you want a metre and a half?? This road is barely big enough for my SUV! Cycle parks! Showers at work! Where does it end??
I hate them when they infiltrate the government and the councils with their trendy lefty environmental public health claptrap
I hate them getting injured, filling up our hospitals, bumping up my ACC levies,
Oh why can’t Wellington be more like Los Angeles, magnificent in all its beroaded loveliness? Oh cyclists, I hate you so, why don’t you piss off to Europe where all the other greenies live? Get off my streets! And take all the pedestrians with you!
(Repeat until the light turns green)
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